Self-indulgence is really all we have that is all our own. The term has gotten a bad rap, compelling us to almost always apologize for it, or worse; feel guilty about it. This blog represents my favorite compulsion. If you don’t like it, don’t read it. That’s what I love about writing. Only the followers who feel a connection will continue reading, right? How perfect is that arrangement. As dynamics in relationships are evaluated, it’s hard to find a better set-up.
Little girls keep diaries with tiny metal keys to keep their siblings from reading their most private thoughts about their hopes and dreams. Big girls create blog entries late at night when they finally settle down enough from the day to be honest with themselves. I am trying to break my “people pleaser” tendencies that interfere with my ability to truly be honest about who I am underneath my need to be liked and accepted. Finally, I want to live an authentic life that makes sense to me, even if others don’t agree or approve.
I am in search of my tribe. Writers and people who like to connect on a deeper level, who like to study life; those are the human beings I enjoy being around. Philosophy majors are my favorite. Who cares how marketable their skills are? Not me. People who collect stuff as a way to fill up their time bore me to tears. Capitalism is exploitive at its core and needs to be reconsidered if we ever want to live in harmony instead of as a world divided.
As a newly single lesbian, I am having some exciting thoughts about how I want to live. I think I need two homes, or at least a main home and a getaway to escape the extreme weather that I hate. While I love Atlanta in the spring and fall, I hate it in the winter and summer. I love the beach during off seasons, when all the tourists all long gone and you can walk the beach in relative peace accompanied by the seagulls and the sound of the waves greeting you at the shore.
Somebody might threaten to take away my lesbian card over this next proclamation, but hey, that’s okay. I never want more than two pets ever again. After living in a zoo for 7 years, I truly appreciate the limits of my patience relative to dog walking, kitty litter and all things related to the loud noise of multiple dogs barking at once. I love animals, but I believe being outnumbered by more than one is asking for more aggravation than I am willing to manage.
For the first time in my life, I am very open to having a deep relationship with a woman without living with her. That does not mean that I would never consider cohabitation with a woman I adore, but if she is a slob, has a bunch of pets or is a control freak, I don’t want to live with her. Who could blame me?
I have heard you should never say never, but what can I say, I’m a rebel at heart. l will never move in with anyone until I have known them a full year, have taken a long vacation with them and have met their relatives. We also must have at least three good fights, to see how well we handle disagreements. Some lesbians don’t fight fair. I will not ever again do mean. Why should I? Why does anybody?
I have given up on wanting or needing to please others. That does not mean that I will not serve others in the ways I can. I know how important it is to connect with people and to help out. As far as I can tell, being of service to others may be our single most important reason for being on the planet. But I will no longer try to change who I am at my core to be accepted by anyone else.
Until next time, embrace the life you want. Don’t settle for somebody else’s version of what your life should be. Be true to yourself. You are already good enough and deserve all good things.