After a seven-year relationship, I am slowly considering my options. I am hopeful about my future. My previous relationship was marked by highs and lows, but mostly lows. We broke up so many times and got back together, that it should have been clear early on that the two of us did not work. We tried so hard to make it work. Love is not supposed to be that crazy. That was my final epiphany after seven years of uncertainty and cruelty. I am embarrassed how long it took me to wise up and move towards “the light.”
Shoulda, woulda, coulda is all I can say as I move forward trying to put my best foot forward. After 90 days since the final breakup, I am no longer playing that sad and depressing game where I try and figure out the whys of all the disagreements and arguments that finally led to the chaos that defined our days together.
Now that I have experienced how bad things can get, maybe it will be easier to seek out the peace and kindness I want in my life. “Friendship first” is my new motto. I will not jump into bed quickly, destroying my ability to trust my gut instincts. Hormones be damned. At the risk of sounding like a reader of far too many self-help books, I realize that I need to protect myself from my worst instincts driven by lust. I have no one to blame for my past mistakes, but me, myself and I. I’m owning it, she said with her face bright red and her eyes shifting away and downward.
The good news is that I am no longer in deep pain, feeling like I have failed. We had some good times and I learned more about who I am, my own limitations and how I need to better watch out for myself and set my standards higher. You can’t accomplish anything in life when you live in constant turmoil.
So I am easing into new romance, eyes wide open, and slowly. Physical attraction will not rule my life. Neediness will not guide my decisions. Coffee dates instead of long dinners with too much wine will be the way I start all new relationships.
I promise I will not preach. I am simply reaching out to all those lonely lesbians who might be in the same boat, looking for a cyber friend late at night when the darkness allows us to feel our vulnerability in a way we typically don’t during daylight hours. You are never alone.
Carpe your next lesbian romance!