Carpe the “Sign” When It Finally Comes

I started a new job recently so I have been doing technical writing instead of blogging here. This type of writing is preferable to me. Creative writing is so much fun that I am struggling with my 9 to 5 job of legal writing, which gives me a headache, but pays the bills.

I am in a corporate setting, which is always a challenge for me. I tend to keep a low profile in offices. Since I am single, it is easy for me to opt out of conversations about spouses and family. I don’t know these people very well yet, and I may never feel comfortable blurting out the fact that I am a lesbian. While I believe it would make little difference to anyone, it seems like such a personal admission to make to strangers. I imagine them immediately shifting their thoughts to me in a compromising position with a female when I finally do share this tidbit of information. Maybe that is why it feels so awkward to me. Perhaps I will just tell them I am asexual instead. I wonder what image that would provoke? pathetic or interesting? Who knows?

I went out for a glass of wine with a few people from work one day as my way of trying to be “one of the gang,” and found myself keeping my mouth shut and listening, which is easier for me than one might think, given my propensity to write so much. I swore to myself that I would never be “in the closet again.” So, I can’t figure out why I don’t simply ‘fess up when the subject of family or dating arises.

At some level, I believe I am not ready to invite my new coworkers into “my world” yet. I am content to live on the outside of this circle and be the mysterious one who appears to be mute. I am typically rewarded for being such a good listener, so I am fine with that role for now. Over the years, I have learned that people are desperate to be heard, and I am willing to do that for other people.

Besides, I have not really started dating yet. I think about it, then I get cold feet. It is truly weird, because I have always been good at dating. Even though I can be shy at times, I have learned over the years how to talk to anyone. I also love to kiss and hold hands, so I am a great date by most women’s standards, or so I’ve been told. But who knows. I am a sucker for flattery. I know I am bragging. I guess I have been watching too much of Donald Trump lately and his bold arrogance has ignited something insane inside of me. That guy really pushes all of my buttons, but that is another blog post.

I guess the fact is that I am still recovering from my last relationship and that is how I am explaining a lack of action on my part for the moment. But I hate the idea of fall passing me by without an exciting kiss from a new love interest. Fall is definitely my favorite season. I expect that I will eventually recover from my temporary reluctance to participate in the exciting world of dating. Since this hesitancy is a new phenomenon for me, I am going with it, indulging this unusual urge of mine to withdraw for a bit. I did ask a woman to dinner, but she was leaving on a trip out of town and so that first step of mine was a false start and has been postponed for now.

I am certain that all it will take is one sultry look or one wet kiss to revive me from the sleep walking I am currently involved in, as I pass through my life like an outsider who is only vaguely interested in what is going on. I have immersed myself in books and am enjoying a connection with writers’ words that often make me swoon, leaving me expecting too much from the real characters in my life who seem a bit lifeless and in need of more interesting dialogue.

Don’t spank me. This blog says more about me than anybody else. Right now, I am the boring one. I hope that will change soon, and I suspect it will.

Carpe the “sign” when it arrives.

 

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